We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
