We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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