You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
