So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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