we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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