the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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