My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
