Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
