I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
