I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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