Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
