I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
