my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish I only lived at night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
