I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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