I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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