I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
