Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
