Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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