I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
