we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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