It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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