gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
how drunk are you?
Several
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
