Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
