she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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