You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
