We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
