Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
