i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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