i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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