i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
