i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
