I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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