Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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