A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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