it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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