I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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