Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
