I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
