Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
