Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
