I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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