Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
