the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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