I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
