rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
