His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
