Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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