Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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