Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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