I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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