a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
