I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
