Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
