Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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