Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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