theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
