in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
